3 tips to improve your feedback approach. Hint: it’s more about collecting perspectives than being negative
“Feedback went out the window with us when we did our workshops. There is no need for feedback as long as you can express what you saw and what you felt and not make judgements (about you).”
(Reflections on a Life in OD (video) Marvin Weisbord)
We all have a personal reaction to the word feedback...
- We might immediately think of someone who dumped feedback on us and it left a sour taste in our mouth.
- Annual appraisals where constructive feedback is often delivered in between layers of lip-service compliments.
- Or maybe we have had to deliver feedback to someone and it felt awkward and confronting.
But the interesting thing is that despite all the perceived ‘awkwardness’ of feedback, it’s a game changer for the top leaders who regularly seek it out…
“One study showed that 83 percent of top-performing leaders regularly solicit feedback, compared to just 17 percent of the worst-performing ones.” Eurich, T. (2017)
What role does feedback play in the workplace?
We read a lot about it, and the need for offering relevant feedback to ensure employees are learning and doing things in the way we want them to.
It’s spoken of as critical for engagement in the workplace and in leadership development courses we get plenty of feedback – given in subtle, or less than subtle ways.
We get it (or give it) in appraisals. If we want to coach, we are told to do it. There are formulas. Acronyms. Books. And plenty of research around the potential positive results of it.
However, with all the “wisdom” out there on feedback, we are not seeing the benefits of the many leadership development programs that tout its relevance.
Curiously – as quoted in Tasha Eurich’s book “Insight” (pg. 166), Blumberg’s study (1972 but still relevant) confirms …
…“disconcerting evidence of something many of us secretly fear: that our employees, co-workers, friends, and family probably are sharing what they think about us – they’re just not sharing it with us!” ….. “This grim reality can get grimmer at work.”
You are not alone if you cannot think of a time when you received honest, critical feedback outside an HR-mandated performance review (or sometimes even in one). “Good job” lip service is often given to our face while candid opinions are shared behind our backs. Some people even lie to protect their social standing or relationship with the person.
The problem with giving feedback? We are often too close to the situation…
Despite the best efforts, courses, coaching and other skills, us humans are simply not fully able to give feedback in a completely objective way….
“….humans are unreliable raters of other humans. Over the past 40 years psychometricians have shown in study after study that people don’t have the objectivity to hold in their heads a stable definition of an abstract quality, such as business acumen or assertiveness, and then accurately evaluate someone else on it. Our evaluations are deeply coloured by our own understanding of what we’re rating others on, our own sense of what good looks like for a particular competency, our harshness or leniency as raters, and our own inherent and unconscious biases.”
(Buckingham & Goodall (2019))
This theme is taken up in detail in “Nine Lies About Work” in Chapter Six, “Lie #6: People can reliably rate other people”.
And even when we do get better at the whole feedback piece we often go too far, too deep, too quick…
“We swim in an ocean of feedback. Bosses, colleagues, customers-but also family, friends, and in-laws-they all have “suggestions” for our performance, parenting, or appearance. We know that feedback is essential for healthy relationships and professional development-but we dread it and often dismiss it. That’s because receiving feedback sits at the junction of two conflicting human desires. We do want to learn and grow. And we also want to be accepted just as we are right now.”
(Stone & Heen (2014))
So, what’s the answer? Are we doomed in our feedback endeavours? Absolutely not!
Here are 3 tips to help you keep (if not build) good relationships with the people you work with and get the feedback you need to learn and grow.
Remember Marvin Weisbord’s quote at the top of this article?
Let’s reframe the conversation around feedback. Let’s think about changing the focus of the feedback. Instead of getting others to “judge” you against certain criteria, ask others about their experience. In this way, the focus becomes more about the giver of feedback and their perspectives help start important conversations. Your learning and growth opportunity is around how you then respond to what you hear and how you engage in the ongoing and necessary conversations.
1. Change the questions asked around feedback
For example, instead of:
“Jane Doe is a good team leader isn’t she?”
(This question invites others to exercise judgement, which we want to avoid.)
Try asking:
“What does Joe Doe do that helps you as a member of your team?”
“What would you like her to do more of? Less of? Or even stop?”
(This helps build better working relationships in the team as well as giving Jane Doe vital information about the needs and perspective of the team members.)
2. Reframe how you see/hear the feedback differently
Apart from the appraisal comments, 360 feedback can be one of the primary ways to gather perspectives (aka feedback) in a fairly safe, and more complete and objective way (assuming the questions are asked in the right way and the 360 is administered correctly). Many large organisations have used this method for a long time now. But if the way the results are being read and interpreted are not working, or even dismissed selectively, then the approach might need tweaking.
For example, if you get a low score for ‘how you listen’ or someone says something about you that you don’t agree with. Don’t feel judged, but be curious about what might be happening between you and the person who provided the feedback. They may have a need, a mental model or a value that you are not aware of, and this is an opportunity for you to explore this. As such, this feedback is also about that person and what is happening in between you and them. Being curious about them (in addition to ourselves) as well as what the gap or difference is all about is important. Our opportunity for growth is about our choice to do something different in order to improve the relationship, what is happening between you and the necessary and relevant conversations required in these relationships.
Approaching appraisal and other workplace feedback in the same manner will also be helpful.
This curiosity piece in leadership is a big one and I talk more about the value of curiosity in empathy in a recent blog here.
3. Teach or encourage giving feedback differently
Make it simple. Make it clear. Make it curiosity driven and open to discussion.
For example, you might start sharing your feedback with…
“This is what I see and hear” – using descriptive, non-judgemental language,
“And this is the story I tell myself about this.”
Then draw them into the conversion by asking …
“I’m keen to hear your thoughts on this too. What does your story say?”
At the end of the day, we absolutely need to hear what others are thinking/feeling/saying about what’s happening within our team and organisation. And what they’re thinking/feeling/saying about you as a leader or manager. This is the wisdom around a “feedback” rich environment that engenders engagement. Not always an easy path, but a worthwhile one when you start to integrate what the feedback is saying and giving you opportunities for growth.
What’s happening for others in our work relationships matters and “feedback” is (or should be) around answering the question: “how can we listen to their messages?” instead of taking offence or ignoring them.
But don’t get me wrong, it is NOT about doing everything to keep everyone else happy either! It’s about the conversations needed to ensure everyone finds a way to be heard (you included) and how to work together, grow together and build respectful working relationships while you all fulfil the purpose your organisation requires of you (collectively).
I’d love to hear from you about how feedback is currently managed within your team or company and where you think the process works well (or not!)
References
Buckingham, M and Goodall, A (2019), “Nine Lies About Work”, Harvard Business Review Press, Boston.
Eurich, T (2017), “Insight: The Power of Self-Awareness in a Self-Deluded World”, MacMillan, London.
Folkman, J (2015), “Top Ranked Leaders Know This Secret: Ask For Feedback”, Forbes, online Jan 8 2015.
Stone, D. and Heen, S (2014), “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well”, Penguin, London.
Weisbord, M (2020), “Reflections on a Life in OD : A Conversation with Marvin Weisbord (video)” hosted by Dr. Mee-Yan Cheung Judge during her ‘Just in Case…’ mini-series, YouTube.
Dr Robyn Wilson focuses on helping leaders tackle the change and challenges they face and journeys with them as they, their teams and organizations navigate these with the aim of becoming stronger, gaining more clarity and with strengthened relationships and personal capability. She is the founder of Praxis Management Consulting.
No Comments