5 ways to rethink your communication in difficult conversations
Difficult conversations happen in the workplace everyday – whether that workplace is virtual or back to the physical space.
And ‘difficult’ is a very subjective word that means different things to us all.
A new graduate might find speaking with their line manager to clarify a task as a ‘difficult’ conversation, whereas the CEO might describe their conversation with the shareholders as ‘difficult’ when trying to explain a drop in growth.
Both have merit. Both are difficult in the minds of the conversation starter. And both have one vital component in common that can help – the need to start a conversation.
Difficult conversations don’t necessarily have to mean trouble, doom or conflict. But they do need to be approached with a certain level of maturity, compassion and preparation.
Here are 5 ways to rethink your approach to these difficult conversations in order to achieve a better outcome.
1.Don’t assume anything
It’s so easy to put our own spin on things before we’ve even had the chance to speak to the other party. But how often are we wrong about what the other person was thinking, feeling or planning? It is always good to check what assumptions we may have made either about ourselves or the other person.
Focus on your facts, your updates, your requests, your understanding of the reality-at-hand and let the other person come to the table with theirs (even if you’ve had similar conversations with the same person before).
Also, avoid words that assume you already know what they are thinking or what they know. For example, ‘clearly’, ‘surely’, and ‘no doubt’ might sound harmless, but they are putting a lot of assumptions on the other person that might be false.
2. Stick to the facts
No one needs to be working with a wobbly foundation so it is best to enter a conversation being clear about the facts, the figures, the specific situations and observations around what you want to discuss and then stick to those.
How we respond to these facts is also important. How each of you interpret these facts may be another thing, but the factual foundation is critical. Over exaggerating or minimising the truth can result in tougher situations down the line.
And if you don’t know something? Be honest and say that! (With either an action plan to find out what is needed or a healthy dose of curiosity that will help you ask the questions needed). And know that judging the other person or providing instructions is one way to divert the real conversation away from the facts or the real issue at hand.
3. Own your own feelings and emotions
As leaders, this is an important one to get right because you have the power to set the tone for the conversation immediately, as well as the rest of the team and organisation.
If you are heading into a difficult conversation, be aware of your emotions and settle yourself beforehand. Likewise, if you have just come out of one difficult meeting or conversation, be responsible for dealing with those emotions before you start another conversation. This does not necessarily mean pushing the emotions down or away – as they will come back eventually! It does mean being honest enough with yourself and with those around you should you need a few moments to gather yourself together. The alternative? Potentially blowing up in someone else’s face and pushing your emotions onto them. None of us want to be that kind of leader.
4. Don’t say “It’s not personal”
As James R. Detert says, saying it’s not personal usually means you really know that it is absolutely personal for the other person and might be causing them distress. Instead, acknowledge the difficult situation and own it instead of passing over it.
5. Check in on your fearlessness
Not everyone is made equally. You can’t compare someone in their 35th year in the workplace with someone else’s second in terms of confidence and fearlessness.
Just because things are obvious or clear to you, does not mean they are to everyone else around you. In addition, just because certain conversations may be easier for you to conduct, does not mean they are for others. We all have differing values, fears and vulnerabilities. Assuming the other person is well intentioned, wanting to do the right thing is important. Being aware of any power dynamic present (due to status, experience, expertise, age, for example) is also important while exercising your wisdom and grace in the conversation.
And finally,
These important conversations are not only about ourselves, but they are about the other person as well. It is about your relationship, how you work together and it is about the shared interest in issues, challenges, opportunities and problems you both have vested interest in – albeit, in varying degrees. Something may be a big issue for one person, and not weighted equally by the other.
While outcomes are important, we can only truly control our own mindset, emotions, choices, actions and reactions. If we think we can control the other person, we are deluded. How we approach these difficult conversations is our responsibility and our opportunity. We can potentially contribute towards better outcomes, ensure our efforts and opinions are not hidden, and ensure others feel heard and acknowledged, while also allowing others to support us through some difficulty, offer support, and last but not least, strengthen our working relationships. We all know about what happens when conversations are avoided or happen badly.
Who shouts loudest, gets heard most. But those, who are not noticed and not heard, have the potential to derail a team’s performance and may be motivated to do so, by the fact that they don’t feel listened to.
(Prof. David Clutterbuck.)
Whether we are the one who bravely starts a difficult conversation, or the one who is the other person, let’s work for a win all around – even if it is a bit uncomfortable for a while.
References
Detert, James R. (2021), “Words and Phrases to Avoid in a Difficult Conversation”, Harvard Business Review, June 21, 2021
Dr Robyn Wilson focuses on helping leaders tackle the change and challenges they face and journeys with them as they, their teams and organizations navigate these with the aim of becoming stronger, gaining more clarity and with strengthened relationships and personal capability. She is the founder of Praxis Management Consulting.
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